I swing between wanting to be nice to everyone and not have anyone feel like I’m angry or disinterested and Jesus Christ why are you bothering me right now?
Random guys have tried to talk to me. Always in the damn train station. Maybe they might be nice, but I’m not in the mood and the feminist inside me is screaming ‘I don’t owe you anything’ and ‘how dare you?!’
It happened again the other day, some random guy trying to talk to me. But this one was different, and I had my headphones on and was feeling really sick. At first, I nearly bumped into him walking to my train. He was smiling and waving at me, and I just assumed he was saying ‘sorry’, so I didn’t really bother to talk back and just kept walking. Then when I got off the train, he was there again. He wasn’t waiting for me, it was clearly his stop. But when he saw me, he smiled and waved again.
I gave him kind of a half-hearted smile back and just kept walking. I figured he was just being random and nice, since NO ONE talks to strangers here.
But then halfway down the street, I remembered that I met a student (two, actually) that lived near us, and used the same train station. And I realized it might have been him. And I felt bad, for a minute.
And then I decided that if it WAS a student, maybe they would try to come in and see me again, and I could apologize for feeling sick and not recognizing them, because my eyes were hurting.
I could say that.
And then I thought if it was a student and I’d just blown him off, maybe he’d be upset or offended and never take my lesson again, and then I’d never get a chance to apologize. Which would be sad, but oh well.
And then I decided if they were someone random that I didn’t know trying to talk to me, that I wasn’t in the mood for that and definitely didn’t have the time to deal with all of that. Not with the way I was feeling that night.
So 50% of me felt like a total asshole, and the other 50% just didn’t care.
I think there’s a lot of internal shit I need to get out.
I’m so angry all the time.
What do I even have to be angry about?
I’ve been thinking about this since my sister’s wedding. When I was writing and re-writing what I would say in her speech in my head, and I kept coming back to the idea that I am SO angry, and she’s SO not. And I don’t know how that happened, that we could be so similar in some ways and completely different in others. Maybe it comes down to the experiences I’ve had that she hasn’t, the people I’ve met that she hasn’t, and the things that have been said to me, which may or may not have also been said to her at one point or another. I don’t know.
And yeah, there is definitely shit to be angry about. The war on women. The constant killing going on the USA. The Presidential election. Honor killings. Discrimination. Drone strikes. Guantanamo. World Hunger. Child marriage. Racism. Misogyny. The Baby Boomer generation generally fucking everything up for the rest of us.
But I’m really such an angry person inside. And I remember specifically thinking when I moved to Germany and realized how direct they are there, that I could finally be myself, and pull off that mask I felt like I’d been wearing for so long. The ‘I really hope you like me’ mask. The ‘I’m nice to everyone, all the time, because they deserve my time’ mask that I’d just put on for everyone, all the time.
Maybe the MS enables me, too. After I made the decision to not waste my time on people or things that didn’t deserve it, and that when I got tired it was time to go home NOW. I live with the feeling that I’m going to die at 48, just like my mother did. And if I live to be 49, I will have the BIGGEST party to celebrate having outlived that number. And in my mind, if I’m going to die at 48, there is really no time to waste.
And being here makes me so, so angry sometimes. I feel like I can feel the misogyny. In every transaction. With every man of a certain age that sits in my booth. I’m writing slam poetry in my head half of the time, based on the terrible shit they are saying to me.
I remember being happy and grateful once. It wasn’t so long ago. I was in-tune with the universe and felt like I was making major progress in myself. Like I was evolving. I don’t know what I call this. I’m not sure if I should find an outlet for it, try to get back to art or beating people twice a week, or if this is just another norm that no one talks about. Maybe we go through phases, and maybe I’m in the middle of an angry phase.
Or maybe it’s environment. I was NOT ANGRY in Germany, except for when the little old lady downstairs would yell at me for no reason. I was angry then. But the rest of the time, I was all grateful and ‘one with the universe’ and stuff. I was definitely angry in Baltimore, as well. Most of the time, at least.
So maybe it’s time for me (us) to start looking at the next place? I don’t want to be angry. I want to go back to lucid dreaming and enjoying life.