(written months ago, posted now)
The other night Mark and I were having a conversation about how some of my closest friends seem to have fallen off of the planet. I hadn’t heard from any of them in a while, despite having sent a few emails their way. I just figured they were busy living their lives, and have lately gotten over the feeling of not being a part of them, having moved to the other side of the world. Living in Germany, just out of reach, was good training for that.
We were talking about the distinction between friends: some can just disappear, and you can watch their lives (partially) unfold on Facebook, but nothing will really change between you. Others disappear, though, and you stop being friends. This is usually because you just weren’t that close to begin with.
I was more than a little sad talking about the first type of friends, especially the three that were missing. He was sorry for bringing it up, as he’d asked if I’d heard from X, Y or Z lately. I said no, and made the normal excuse that they must just be busy.
I didn’t really WANT to talk about how sad it made me, or the fact that I have maybe 2 or 3 people I’d consider actual *friends* here in Tokyo, which just magnifies it. I don’t necessarily need any more friends, and the ones I already have are amazing. But sometimes I need to vent, or go out for drinks with some ladies (one day, maybe even coworkers!) who might have similar problems with their friends and family back home. I love Mark and talking to him, but we’ve talked it all into the ground already, and I have his input (and his support, of course).
So it was a nice surprise to have gone to bed sad and feeling lonely, only to wake up with a message from each of the three we’d just been talking about a few hours earlier.
I don’t feel as ‘connected’ as I used to feel when I lived in Germany. Maybe since at the time I felt like I was really settled, and really moving on with my life, it freed up my mind to actually be more in touch with the universe or whatever. I was lucid more often in dreams, remembered all of them, and could mentally send Kristi hot dogs if I worked a little.
Since moving here, there have been so many things that are (were?) up in the air, undecided, dead ends. The stress has died down a little, but I can still feel it. I think the fact that I work maybe three times as much as I did in Germany might have a lot to do with that, as does the system I’m working in, which places a much higher value on the customer and offers less support to the teachers they see. The damage is in the title: they are ‘customers’, and not ‘students’.
It might also be due to the fact that there are still things I need to do here, the most imperative being to actually learn Japanese, which I haven’t managed to do or even have time to do lately. I can’t make it to budo, can’t go running as often as I’d like, can’t be asked to move on my days off. The long list of big things I need to do keeps my mind constantly occupied, and it feels like there’s not a lot of time to actually rest. So feeling disconnected is of course going to happen.
So again, it was really nice to see that it’s still there, and I AM still connected, even if I can’t feel it. I don’t need to fix that.