in hiding

Posted on 08.08.2014


It occurred to me on my walk home the other evening that I’ve been in a kind of hiding.

It was something that had crossed my mind at various points over the past 2 years, but I thought I’d get over it, that it was just a matter of time, that I’d come out of it. Now I’m here, walking home alone with no one to call on the phone aside from my boyfriend, and it’s still here: I have been in hiding.

I flew across the ocean in 2009 completely prepared to have my heart broken. I was open to it, ready and absolutely willing to let it happen, even though I didn’t believe it would. Or if it did, I guess I expected it to be something different. What followed was initial bliss, followed by realization, then denial, then bargaining and finally acceptance. It happened in a way I didn’t expect: I broke my own heart trying to fit into something someone else wanted me to be.

Had I known what was expected of me, I never would have moved to Germany or maintained the relationship. But I didn’t, believed the false pretense wholeheartedly, tried to make it work and then blamed myself when it failed. I achieved a goal and lost a relationship I wasn’t meant to have.

1688392_642602478130_1122056188_nAll of this amounted to a very angry ex-boyfriend who blamed something completely unrelated for our completely predictable demise. And that’s when I made the decision to hide. Aside from a facebook block (which he should have expected, based on what he wanted me to do to my previous ex), I went on a full-on disappearing offensive. I ‘limited profiled’ and unfriended mutual friends. I stopped talking on facebook, which until then had been my only means of keeping in touch with my friends overseas. I stopped talking about the relationship (and my later new one) to mutual friends whom I did keep in touch with. It was a media blackout, and my voice was gone. And it was finally quiet, once his angry emails stopped. And that was a nice change, after months of arguing and crying.

Nearly two years later, my closest friends are far away and we’ve all but lost touch. And that’s my fault as much as it is theirs. Everyone gets busy, but I was so used to just NOT TALKING about my new relationship, or the odd things I was going through that they wouldn’t understand (like moving overseas… again), that I just stopped talking in general.

I need to change this. I’m done hiding my current boyfriend from facebook. I’m done hoping my ex doesn’t see. I don’t have the time or the inclination to spare anyone’s feelings anymore, and now that there AREN’T many people around or available to talk to, I’m going to start talking a lot more. I’m done hiding, I’m done hoping I don’t upset anyone, and I’m going to make my way back to NOT giving a shit what anyone else thinks about me. I still feel an intense anger towards my ex, and that’s probably going to take a lot  more time to get over, as I’m still pretty angry at the ones who came before him. I’ll be keeping that to myself and moving on, but I’m not going to keep hiding from the light, in case he might be looking.

If there was a penance to be done, I think I’ve gone over and beyond. I’m settling now, and I’m not going to feel bad anymore for following my goals, enjoying my life, and doing exactly what I said I was going to do.

Posted in: life, relationships