Downsides of the stress-free life (TMI warning: female bodily functions)

Posted on 09.10.2013


It’s been over a year since I made the decision to never get pregnant, and I’m still really enjoying that. It’s only once a month that I get slightly annoyed, which is funny since I used to get concerned once a month, every month, that my birth control pills might not have worked.

I had been on bc since I was 18, so effectively just about my entire adult life. That’s when we learn about how our bodies actually work, past all of the videos we watched in health classes, on TV shows or movies. I came to understand some things about myself that were ‘normal’, except since being OFF of the bcp, now I understand that they were absolutely NOT normal and actually, side effects.

Screen Shot 2012-06-17 at 12.45.13I was on an excellent high-dosage pill which didn’t effect me in the same ways it effected women who have less testosterone in their systems than me. This meant I could be on a harsher pill and feel fine, rather than sick, moody or gaining weight. Awesome. It might have been too awesome. Twelve years on a medication means you get used to things, and it turns out I was fucking spoiled!

I literally had the easiest period of anyone I knew. It was in and out in 2 days, tops. No mess, no fuss, easy blood that seemed to come out pre-clotted and never stained and stayed in place. I didn’t even need to wear anything aside from my black underwear. This pissed some of my friends off, as you might imagine. The meds didn’t effect my skin, or my hair, or cause me to gain weight. I never got period cramps or period-induced headaches. Not even gas, except for when I found out about being lactose intolerant. You could set a watch to my period, it always came on a Tuesday night.

As it turns out, all of these things were the excellent side effects of my birth control pills, as I’ve been dealing with the opposite of all of them since going off the pills. In the first few months following the surgery, I thought it was just my body readjusting to being off the meds, or recovering from the very noninvasive procedure. Now that I am fully past the one-year mark and nothing has changed, I’m just a little annoyed.

I take 8 pills and one injection every day about an hour after breakfast. It’s almost silly to me that for years, I was trying to go off this one pill that I had to take every day. Granted, the 100% accuracy rate of a tubal ligation (the irreversible, severing kind) when you only have one tube/ovary is awesome, but I wonder if the once a month stress of wondering whether the pills worked this month or not is equal to the once a month annoyance of not being able to walk around naked without staining the floor. For an entire fucking week.

On one hand, I can now spend ZERO time ever wondering if I’m pregnant, and never have to be scared of passing on terrible genes or having to ‘make the choice’. Take that, all of you who are anti-women’s rights. I’m going to have all of the immoral, unmarried sex I want and suffer NO accidental pregnancy consequences.

On the other hand, I don’t enjoy being a leaky faucet for a week each month. I’ll never complain about it for the reasons listed above, but it’s odd to be almost 32 and to just realize now what the rest of the women in the world probably deal with every. single. month.

I’m glad I’ve only got about 11-15 years left of this, I think I’ll still take that over having to swallow a pill every day and the stress that comes with hoping it works. But wow, I kind of can’t believe that THIS is what a normal period is like!

Posted in: health, life, medical