Chrysalis

Posted on 25.09.2012

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I’ve been missing lately, and I’m sorry for that. There are a lot of reasons and none at the same time. I know I haven’t been keeping my friends in the loop about things, or really talking about much of anything. In all honesty, I really don’t want to talk about much right now. I’m just getting through.

It’s been hard to write about. I know who reads me and who doesn’t care. I don’t necessarily mind who is or is not reading. I don’t mind who isn’t emailing me, although I do appreciate the people who have been keeping on top of me and messaging me, making sure I’m ok. I’m ok. Just busy and distracted, I guess. Trying not to think so much.

I’m going through a lot of changes at the moment, and there are more on the way. I’ve also been working some amazing hours at work, which has kept me nothing short of running around rampantly. I’ve been working so much, in fact, that I’m keeping myself just on the good side of relapse. I’m working too much, and am tired. Often.

I’m thinking too much, and am stressed in general. Because of this, there’s been no time or inclination for workouts, or much more than planning for the next class, past the sheer amount of walking I’m doing lately.  I am, of course, angry at myself about that while trying not to be. And that’s all fine and normal for now.

My hormones post-July-op have been totally fine, which has been great. It’s only been two months (this week, actually) since the surgery. It feels like a lifetime.

There are a lot of changes going on. My life plans feel slightly shattered. It’s all my own doing, and I accept that. But at the moment I’m in a place where I’ve decided that it’s best NOT to plan, and to NOT think so far ahead… it seems that when I do, I end up being disappointed when things have to change or won’t work out as planned or expected. That’s normal, I guess, but I don’t think I’ve got the mental capacity at the moment to be planning my life out like a chess game. I had plans, they fell apart. I made new plans while trying to convince myself of x, y and z, and watched them break when I realized I wasn’t happy. I was sad that things I never even started to work on would NOT be happening. And now I’ve decided I’m going to stop making 500-meter goals, and start focusing on the 50- and maybe 100-meter marks. The stuff that’s right in front of me, that’s here. Now.

That’s the stuff that feels most important at the moment. And I can’t quite function on the distant planning level right now, aside from planning tomorrow’s classes. I’ve moved from ‘a week ahead’ to ‘a few hours/a day ahead’. And it doesn’t feel so terrible. I don’t feel as organized, but that’s going to be the new norm, at least for the next few months.

I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of what’s ahead, I just feel a little lost. And that’s ok once in a while. I can’t be a rock all the time, and it’s ok to be unsure sometimes. I wouldn’t be human if I wasn’t unsure from time to time. It feels uncomfortable right now and I don’t like it, but no one’s dead yet. So it can’t be all bad. I’m still healthy enough and doing ok, so it’s not as bad as it could be.

There’s too much to think about right now. Too much that has to be done. The lists are piling up. So instead of trying to overachieve and get everything done before deadline, I’m going to be shooting to just get it done ASAP. That’s all I can hope for right now. And honestly, I think that’s still more than enough.

I’m here. I’m still alive. I’m ok. I’m just trying to get things sorted out and to not stress. I’ll be back and stronger than before soon enough. If nothing else, at least the weather is getting cooler. I can’t wait to go running.

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Posted in: life