Calling Out of Context 4: Squeezing Led Zeppelin’s Lemon

Posted on 30.05.2012

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(originally posted March, 2010)

How does squeezing a lemon cause one to fall out of bed? – Wondering in Würzburg

The Lemon Song, Led Zeppelin

Squeeze me baby, till the juice runs down my leg…
The way you squeeze my lemon, I’m gonna fall right out of bed

I hate Lemon Yellow.

Seriously. It makes me nauseous. All of these years later. I still can’t wear or eat things of that color.

One Saturday morning when I was like 12, I woke up, rolled out of bed, and went upstairs into the kitchen to find something to eat. I have no idea where my parents were when this went down. But there, sitting all alone on the table in an empty kitchen was a freshly made pie. It was like a scene out of a cartoon. How could I have known at 12 that this would all end in tears (and vomit)?

My mom was AWESOME with the desserts. She always put a TON of whipped cream on top; they were effing amazing. I came to find out later that my mom was pretty amazing at reading the back of pudding boxes, which is where it turns out most of her recipes came from. I cut into the pie and saw that it was yellow. Apparently my sense of smell takes longer to wake up than the rest of me.

I devoured that pie, thinking that it was something wonderful like Banana, Vanilla or that kickass Boston Crème stuff. Which, now that I think about it, is vanilla. Isn’t it.

I had gotten through almost half of it before my sense of taste kicked in, causing me to instantly regret my decision: I realized this was neither Vanilla NOR Banana pie, rather Lemon Pie. My stomach began to hurt. WHO MAKES A GD LEMON PIE???, I ask you. WHO? My mom did, that fateful day.

I promptly went back down into my room and tried to lie down to get over the sick feeling growing in my stomach. EPIC FAIL. This required me to climb BACK UP into my Cargo Kids loft bed and in doing so, I managed to bump my head on the ceiling (being awkwardly tall for a 12-year-old, although I haven’t gotten any taller since then). This caused me to fall face first, over the guard rail, into the bed. As I fell down, I vomited. Then I landed in it. This would not be the last time I fell into my own vomit, in case you’re wondering.

I have fallen INTO bed thanks to lemons. And to this day I cannot eat things that are that shade of yellow. I can barely look at them, honestly.

Sir Robert Plant experienced no such trauma, you can be sure of that. What may be a borrowed idea/lyric from multiple donors including Howlin’ Wolf and Robert Johnson happens to be a sexual innuendo (an indirect or subtle implication in expression; an insinuation), for which Led Zeppelin was mighty famous. Or, still is. I grew up listening to Zeppelin and look how I turned out.

As far as I know, there is only one pair of items in the external male genitalia that resemble 2 lemons. You can find them connected to the thing shaped like a hot dog.

If you have to ask what could be done here that could possibly be so great to make one fall out of bed, you might want to consider having more conversations with your partner about things you should be trying. In the bedroom. And I’m not talking about paint colors.

Unless, of course, you are contemplating any shade of yellow that might have the words ‘sunny’, ‘bright’, or ‘lemon’ in the name. I would highly advise against that.

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Posted in: music