It’s always darkest before the dawn

Posted on 09.05.2012

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I have been nothing short of a disaster the past two weeks.

In no particular order, I was:
Hormonally imbalanced, thanks to a mess-up with my BC.
PMSing, for the first time in approximately 12 years.
Depressed.
Lonely.
Missing my boyfriend, whom I haven’t seen in over a month.
Not sleeping well.
Obsessing over things.
Experiencing Optic Neuritis.
Thinking far too much.
Losing control.
Falling apart.
Not getting out/having enough contact with people.
Totally missing my friends.
In need of a hug.

It was a downward spiral of despair, and I was trying really hard to remedy it any way that I could: I was sending far too many emails to too many people, spending way too much time online just staring at the screen, not eating exactly well, wallowing, trying not to wallow, making art, whatever. I tried a LOT of things, and nothing seemed to be helping.

On the day that I finally lost it, a few friends took notice, and for that I am extremely grateful. Until that point, I’d been trying to subtly let my friends know that I needed to talk to someone, but still showing a strong face to the world. The night I finally broke, I got some amazingly nice emails from a few people, and got to skype with Michelle for a while. It all really, really helped.

The best part: for the entire week prior to the breakdown, I’d been having trouble sleeping or having unsuccessful dreams. The night of the breakdown, post emails and skype talk, I had the most amazing dream… in which 4 or 5 of my friends came and got me from wherever I was and took me to a concert. Granted, the concert was in an IKEA, but whatever. We had a great time and got to hang out with Esthero afterwards, and I didn’t say anything stupid (which I am definitely prone to doing). And even though it was just a dream, I woke up feeling SO much better, although a little sad about the dream not being real. I woke up to an email from a friend, telling me to hang in there.

It was really all in the nick of time. I’m not sure I could have held on another day, and I’m really thankful that even if they couldn’t get to me sooner, my friends were there to pick me up as I fell. I really needed them, and their contact, so much this week, and I appreciate what I was given. It makes me feel like the entire week was just some kind of test to see how long I could hold on before totally losing it. And because of the dream, I think I passed. It kind of felt like a reward.

Granted, I’m still not back to 100%, but I’m definitely on the way. It’s been a while since I had a proper breakdown, so I guess one was due. And with all of the shit that was/was NOT going on the past few weeks, it was the perfect time for it.

There’s been so much that I’ve wanted to do or get done this week, so many things to write and say… I have totally slacked on all of them, thanks to just being a pile on the floor. I’m going to try to push myself through those things and to get back to my life, although I feel like it’s in a major state of flux right now. I don’t know what the change is, but it’s coming. I’m not afraid of the change, I just wonder what it is going to look like.

Some songs that helped me in the past few days:

Juliana Hatfield: Faith in our Friends (can’t find a video for it anywhere)

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Posted in: astrobabble, life