Keeping my mouth shut

Posted on 06.05.2012

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photo: Sam Holden Photography, Baltimore

It’s been a recurring topic in the last few days, albeit one that has usually been in regards to other people. But I’m starting to think I need to work on it a little bit more, myself.

It popped into my head last night, as I was skyping with my father. He mentioned something that he wanted to do during his visit, and it was VERY hard for me to act normal and not tell him about all of the plans we had for him. Thankfully, I survived this round, but I know that in the past week, I’ve been failing.

A few years ago (more like over a decade ago), I made the decision to start being honest with everyone, about everything. Granted, I left a clause for ‘surprises’ and ‘things better left unsaid’, but for the most part, I’ve striven for 100% honesty since around ’97. It was difficult at first, but once certain people were out of my life, it became much easier.

I thought, in my mind at the time, that if everyone knew EVERYTHING about me, then there would be no room for lies or rumors (clearly, I had problems with people in school). This has proven to be 100% true, although I have learned (as Breakbeat Era so wisely put it), that there is ‘no thrill, no lie more crazy than the truth’. It seems that people love the crazy things that are better than fiction.

Which leads me to the current stage of the project: I’ve become SO honest and SO open about mostly everything, that people are now probably hearing too much. Maybe it’s the excitement that comes with new friends, or maybe it’s more the excitement of having things to do and people to talk to. I don’t know. Obviously, my social life has been more than halved since moving to Germany. This takes getting used to, although I do get all of that ‘alone time’ that I wanted so badly back in the states, but never had the time for.

I’m terrible at keeping secrets and surprises, unless there’s a high level of detriment attached. I think I might have lost all of the ‘mystery’ I worked so hard to cultivate as a young adult. Maybe I don’t need it anymore. Maybe it’s not important. I don’t remember and I can’t really tell, from where I’m sitting.

I can’t stand NOT saying things, and since nothing is guaranteed (and especially after my diagnosis back in ’05), it seems like a terrible waste to NOT say the things that I’m thinking. What if I never see someone again? What about tomorrow? Tomorrow isn’t a guarantee for anyone, except possibly inmates in solitary confinement.

Someone told me once that I had all the tact of a ton of bricks. I took it as a compliment and decided he didn’t know me nearly as well as he thought he did. I’m starting to think that maybe my special version of tact is much more successful on strangers. Because once a person knows me, then they’re going to know everything eventually. Did I really need to talk to my girlfriend about bondage last week? How did that topic even come up?

One thing is certain, whatever the issue: my emails to specific individuals are getting far too long. Maybe I should force myself to blog more, and then it won’t feel so necessary to explain every facet of everything to people. It’s becoming almost embarrassing, as I’m not sure if the people I’m talking/writing to find it annoying/too much, or a nice change. I have no way of knowing. I’m certainly not going to ask, ‘hey, do you think I write or talk too much’? Maybe I should.

Moving further with this, I think I need to have skype conversations with some specific people and probably more often, and then I might not need to spill everything at the first sign of contact.

Which I guess means that loneliness has kicked back in. More to the point, I wonder if it ever really left. Maybe I was just distracted in Japan, long enough to forget it had been there beforehand.

Lyrically relevant track:

Posted in: life, relationships