Having trouble focusing, both literally and figuratively

Posted on 29.04.2012

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I don’t even know.

I’m definitely in a better place NOW than I was a week ago, and a week before that. But still, I know I’m having issues.

Literally speaking, I was having a small bout with Optic Neuritis last week. It was light in comparison with my last experience, but I definitely felt like something was off with my eyesight. It was a small issue with being able to focus on things that tended to get worse when I was overworking myself (a sure sign that it’s MS-related) or overheating. I didn’t have any pain and didn’t feel like I needed to see an eye doctor, but it was noticeable.

It made it hard to take photos earlier in the week, but I made it through and even played around with the focus on both cameras, since what I was seeing was actually kind of interesting. I’m currently working on the photos from the first shoot and am hoping to have some to show by tomorrow evening. I’m REALLY excited about how they look. I’m so excited, in fact, that I’m thinking about shopping the entire series around after they’re done to try to have a show somewhere here with them.

Figuratively speaking, I’ve been having some major focus issues, in just about every place I could possibly have them.

For starters, I’m having trouble keeping my mind on one thing or another at any given time. I feel distracted, although I can’t say what it is that’s distracting me. I honestly feel like there are changes coming. That’s all I know.

I’ve been making lists and leaving myself notes to practically no avail. I need to leave the lists open on my desktop so they’re the first thing I see when I turn my computer on, otherwise I pretty much forget everything I need to do for a day. Or a lot of it, at least.

A second issue I’ve been having has come out of a trial I’ve been doing: I was reading about mental focus a while ago, and one of the first places that people are often asked to begin in ‘training’ is to focus one’s mind on an image of someone’s face. It’s generally someone you know well enough to envision, and I’ve been working on the usual suspects. I can’t believe how much trouble I’m having with visualization. Me, the photographer… trouble with images?? I know I’m something of an abstract thinker, and I specifically remember having issues in my college days with drawing things from memory, but I was not prepared for how BAD I am at this.

At the moment, I can keep something like a ghost of an image in my head, but as soon as I think about a specific part of the face, like the space between the eyes, I lose it. And I barely even had it to begin with. So I think I’m going to have to work on that more. I’ve been trying to do it before I go to bed, and I usually fall asleep in this way. At the very least, it’s helping me get to sleep quicker.

I’m not sure what I need to do in order to get back to focusing. My general feeling is that I just need to cross shit off my lists in order to feel less scattered, but I’m concerned that it won’t make any difference.

I know there are points in life when we’re really focused, and other points when we’re just kind of floating along, letting the things we’ve set up happen. I feel like I’m in the beginning of a new stage or a new ‘planning’ period. I need to collect myself and my thoughts and figure shit out.

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Posted in: life