First Breakdown, day 3

Posted on 18.10.2009


I finally cried this morning. It’s been building with every internet update and photo that comes my way. I just didn’t want to let go. Didn’t think I had to. Like I was just going to bypass my breaking heart and get on with my life. But no, there it was like a slap in the face this morning: the realization that until everyone decides to get a skype account or at least a webcam, I am probably not going to hear voices unless phone calls are ok.

And then there’s this whole TIME DIFFERENCE thing. It is so odd to be on the other side of it. Here I am, post dinner and ready to chill on the couch and you guys are about to get back from lunch break.
Two words: not happy. Not happy about it at all.
I know that this is an exciting, new chapter in my life and that I am actually very happy about it, but I didn’t expect to feel so alone in all of this.
There are a million little thoughts. Things I should have done. Things I should have done sooner. What if, why not, what if never… etc. In yoga during practice and meditation, you are supposed to acknowledge the thought and let it be on it’s way. No overthinking. No coming back to the same thought. Just flow. Just follow. Just allow them to pass freely and without any type of judgement or major considerations. I’m trying so hard to do that. But I’m just trying, not doing… I guess that means that I am not fully succeeding?
I don’t know. All I know is that I miss everyone so much more than I expected to.
I was telling my friends for months that I’m not dying, just not close. I’m still online. I’m still alive. Just not close enough to drive to. It’s a lot harder to deal with than I had planned. I’ve been so comfortable with all of the other changes in my life and what was coming for so long that I barely even noticed that my heart was breaking.
I wouldn’t call it denial. I think delusion is a better word. I miss my Baltimore life something rotten. There is so much to be done here, and I’m afraid and intimidated by how much will have to go into making life work. It didn’t feel permanent or real until I got here. Now I am here and I’m trying to be as optimistic as I was when I was there. Oh no, it’s just residency. Oh no, it’s just re-learning the German language. Oh no, it’s just getting a work visa so I can get back to paying off my college loans. Oh no, it’s just having to get an international cell plan to talk to my friends in case they never figure skype or webcams out.
I have faith in my friends and technology. But right now I’m just missing everyone. Missing the closeness. Missing the annoyances and the deep sighs. I didn’t expect to miss rolling my eyes at people. I didn’t expect to be that foreign girl that only half-understands what you are saying.
Rock climbing at the new gym was a huge help today. It was great to be distracted. It was not great that the boulder room was full of unchecked kids. It was just what I needed to feel a little more at home here. I even had a brief thought that after I get through a month of German lessons, maybe I’ll apply for a job there. Do what I couldn’t or was afraid to do in Baltimore. Cause you know those ET employees intimidated the hell out of me… hahah.
Posted in: life