I’m getting better at keeping my mouth shut

Posted on 04.09.2009

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I don’t remember when it started, but I do remember distinctly that it was NEAR the impending divorce of my parents. I remember it was during college. Sometime.

Whenever there was a silent space in a conversation, I used to hear ‘my parents…’ as the beginning of a sentence in my head. Like I wanted to talk about it, even though I never really did. This was about the same time as my horrible psychosomatic razors-in-eyes issue arose and I promptly got my ass to therapy.

It was like I had to fill the emptiness with words. Like the silence was too much. Which is pretty crazy, since I love my alone-time.

Recently I also came to the conclusion that while this might not be completely related, I also talk way too much about things. Not everything, and not all the time, just in conversations with others (as opposed to when I talk to myself, hah). I seem to enjoy showing others how much I know about a given subject, which is probably something I’ve picked up from reading WAY too much and not having a discussion outlet. Because of this, I come off as a competitive know-it-all, which I don’t believe I really am, since I HATE competition. And dislike when others do that.

I noticed some progress when René was here. I noticed a bit before, but definitely last week/end. My mind is ALWAYS ON. I am always mentally checking my schedule and my to-do list. While René was here, there were a lot of silent spaces that I could have filled with ‘We have to be (here) in about 2 hours so we should leave in x minutes’, etc. But I didn’t want to feel rushed and I know René well enough to know that he doesn’t need to be reminded of what is in the plans for next.

So I took it easy, kept my mouth shut and refrained from stressing my boyfriend out. It was great to do like Depeche Mode suggests and just enjoy the silence instead of filling it with word-vomit.

Amazing how well that works when you have an awesome boyfriend (rather than a control-freak-repetitively-late-and-enjoying-it ass for a boyfriend. Not naming any names).

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Posted in: life