she who walks with fireflies

Posted on 14.07.2009

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I found a great spot yesterday where the fireflies were abundant. Over in Wyman park, by the steps leading back up to Charles Street. I love it. I might have to shoot there one night. Soon. I will try not to forget. I got eaten alive standing there. Remember to wear bug spray.

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I’ve been having short term memory issues lately. So if we are having a conversation or referencing something and I forget, please forgive me. I know that I am ALMOST out of this relapse but right now I’m dealing with fatigue and the memory issues. I hate the memory issues the most, seriously. I pride myself on remembering things that people tell me, and this is really embarrassing.

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On the same subject of memory loss, this is not really an issue as much as it is just the passing of time. There used to be a time (like 5 years ago) that I could probably hammer off every name of every student that graduated from FHS with me. Because it was my job, but also because I am just good at remembering things. I noticed a few years ago that I can’t quite do that anymore. I know a lot of that is coming from the amount of time that has gone by, and I know a lot of it NOW is because ladies get married and generally change their last names.

But now it’s starting to happen to my college acquaintances as well. I was out walking yesterday and saw some people playing soccer in Wyman park. I totally knew the one guy and smiled, but cannot STILL for the life of me remember his name. He lived down the block from me and I think he had a dog whose name was Guiness. yes, like the beer. He was blonde and always wore a cool hat. Ian maybe? I don’t remember.

THAT has been happening to me a lot recently, with MICA people and my old friends from the nightlife. I see someone and remember that I knew them once, but can’t remember their name or sometimes WHY we were friends. And I feel like SUCH an asshole.

Some of this might just be coming from me being concerned about the speed of my recovery, like NOW it is bothering me but it won’t in a few weeks when I can run again. Who knows, we’ll see. But it bothers me now because I know how upsetting and almost offensive it is when someone you think you have (had) a decent connection with can’t remember your name, and I don’t ever want to make anyone feel that way.

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I’ve been having a lot of odd dreams that involve the ex recently. In them I am always telling him to stop bothering me and to leave me alone, to move on. I feel like there is a really obvious reason for this but that some people might not understand. I know I’ve talked about it before, how he was one of those people that I had a really strong mental connection with and I always knew when he was thinking about me and vice versa on his side as well. I feel like he’s been kind of calling out to me a lot lately and it is really bothersome, because there is NO ROOM in my life for him and quite honestly, the father away I am from our situation the more I realize how totally spineless he made me.

And yes, that is my fault as much as his for allowing that to happen, but I can understand why some victims of violence don’t leave because of him: you don’t even realize it is happening until you are out of it. Nobody made me feel worse about myself, or meaner as a person than he did, and I had no idea unitl I was far enough away from it all to look back without getting dragged in.

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my weekend was nice, btw.

I had a lot more to write, a lot of deep thoughts and such, but I can’t remember them right now. If they come back to me I will write them:)

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Posted in: life, relationships