on the verge of ‘better’

Posted on 14.07.2009


so, if you happen to be an avid reader of my (other) blog, these are the things you know about me and my MS:

~ I had a relapse at the end of May that came with me to Germany
~ My boyfriend is not afraid of it
~ I am back to walking pretty regularly (this means that my walking LOOKS normal but doesn’t feel 100% yet)
~ I suffer from short term and minute detail memory loss while relapsing
~ It makes me really tired, a lot
~ I can overheat quickly doing ANYTHING
~ it is thoroughly frustrating

… and if you’re NOT an avid reader, then congratulations, you’ve just be brought up to speed.

I’ve been feeling ‘better’ for about 2 weeks. Pretty much I’ve been way better than when it started since I got back from vacation. But I’m not out of it all yet.

Here’s the issue (aside from the frustration I mentioned in the last blog):
Usually, as an athlete or anyone that is physically active, it is best to try to ‘work through’ small injuries and minor pain, to train your body but also to combat whatever is wrong.

I’m at the point of my recovery where I am annoyed with not being able to do physical things because I cannot trust my body to react properly should something go wrong. I’m also at the point that half of my clothing doesn’t fit me, because I have been inactive, and that is even more annoying. My body feels heavy. Like, still some leftover deadweight heavy.

I went back to Budo on Saturday but had to sit out of the throws because I am not confident that my left side will catch me properly and/or initiate the correct rolling techniques. I went walking yesterday for an hour (around 7) but my legs tingled afterwards.

I was amazingly worn out last night. I am always going to have to deal with minor fatigue, but right now I have a larger concern that no one can help me with. Do I begin to lightly train through the end of my recovery, or do I keep waiting until one day I feel 100% normal?

That’s not a question I am asking you to answer, it was rhetorical. Not even a physical therapist could answer that, because MS effects each patient differently. They usually err to the safe side.

At the moment, I have (had) been mostly inactive for almost 1.5 months (since the beginning of June). Nothing but some sex and walking. So, a lot of my tired and ‘heavy’ feelings in my body might be because I am not used to more activity, and not because I am still too weak to train. Then again, if I begin to train too hard, I could send myself right back into a relapse, so I have to take it easy. Easier than usual.

I WANT to get back to my life. I want to go back to climbing and running. I know these things will take time and that it could be a lot worse. But right now I am trying to figure out just HOW much activity is TOO much.

I know that a therapist would recommend only light training, but I am tired of waiting and feeling impatient and childish right now for feeling that way. The one thing that annoys me about this disease is that it is SO not like I am. I am organized, have a tight schedule and do things on time.

MS is like mother nature and the universe telling me to slow down, but not allowing me to fully enjoy any of it. I want to kick them both with my energy legs.

Posted in: life, MS